that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
