I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
