She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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