Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
