im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
