my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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