I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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