Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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