I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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