I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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