I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
