For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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