I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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