everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He shit in the fireplace
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
