this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
This toilet bowl is my home.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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