I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
