The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
