Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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