Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I believe in your delicious
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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