remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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