did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
