Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
