I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We were destined to go to rehab together
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
