The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We're too hungover to prance.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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