Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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