I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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