Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
