i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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