I accidentally burped into my bong.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
