I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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