Your face is a jimmy john
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
