I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
