I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm too high and old for this...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
