Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
