Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
