She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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