Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
