Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
