Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
