my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize