Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
