this just has baby written all over it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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