Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There r osticjed everywhere
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
