so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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