remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
