Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize