i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
