and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize