You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
