I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
