we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
