dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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