did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
two words...techno handjob
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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