Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
