pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
