Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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