I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
