bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
