Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
