i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize