i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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