I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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