Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
