I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
