My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
