It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
