i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize