It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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