I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
