Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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