The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
