the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We left an ass print on the piano.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
