life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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