Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
